Adults do a lot of hand-wringing about bullying, but don't take much action. 

First they wonder why kids are bullies.  This question is ridiculous. Look at our politics, cable "news," radio shock jocks and famous sports figures.  We are a culture of bullies and kids only model the behavior adults exhibit.

Next, adults lament there is "nothing we can do."  There is a great deal we can do.  And typical "bullying prevention" programs are not it.

Essentially we need to teach all kids that they are important, valued, gifted at something. We need to show them that adults are paying attention, will protect the vulnerable and nurture those who are angry inside and lash out.  We need to collaborate to create a culture of caring and respect, not competition and a sense that there are "winners" and "losers."

The truth is it is time consuming and work to develop emotionally healthy school communities. Our education with children cannot just be about writing, reading, math and science. It must encompass educating skills of workign with others, negotiation, accepting differences and offering assistance even when it is not in our best interests.

Teach your child to tell an adult if he is being bullied.  Teach your child to take action if someone else is being bullied.  Help your child's teachers and school adminstrators understand that social education is as important as academic instruction (I would say it is MORE important). There is no comprehensive "program" or cookie cutter list of actions to take, words to say, interventions to implement.  It takes time, energy and patience to teach kids that everyone matters, caring is cool and meanness has no rewards. It is especially hard to teach this in a culture of bullies who say "no" because they can, call names of people they don't agree with and see themselves as above common decency. But we must try.

Each and everyone of us has a role in helping children who are bullied and those who bully. You can't stand by and wring your hands. You need to take action.

One man taking action and who seems to really "get it" is Joe the Biker. I heard him on the radio today and was impressed with his message and approach to bullying prevention. You can read more about his programs at http://joethebiker.com.

In the US, we complicate parenting. There are too many "experts," too many books, too much talk of parenting "styles" and "approaches."

We hover, push, demand and complain about our kids.

Kids that don't meet some half-baked definition of a "good" kid, are seen as broken, "defiant," "oppositional," and in need of "transformations."

Poor kids.

Folks, it's not complicated. Kids are born to grow and change, challenge and test limits. They want to please adults, be loved and love in return.  They are BORN GOOD. Really.

But we adults complicate the good. We measure, define, label, diagnose, have weird expectations for early reading, writing, math, sports.

Let me make this simple for you. 

Accept your child.

For who s/he is.

Accept the good with the weaknesses.

Praise. A lot.

Hug. Often.

Celebrate. Small things.

Pay attention. Your child is talking to you.

Model patience.

Model acceptance.

Sit still. Your kids will come to you.

Save criticism for when things are really, really bad.

Set limits and mean it. Your kids need you to set limits. They know this  intuitively.

When things go wrong, problem solve, don't blame, shame or humiliate.

Acknowledge growth and desire for independence.

Simple: Love, Care, Protection, Acceptance, Limits with Love, Consistency.

Repeat for 18 + years.

Parenting is hard work, not complicated.

Holidays can be exciting and difficult for children with special needs and their families.

There can be lots of stress, schedules change, kids are up late (and early!), new people to meet, hugs are given that might be uncomfortable, new toys, things to share, foods that taste funny, and sugar highs that seem to never end.

Here are 10 tips my family uses to manage holiday time. I hope a few of these will help your family as well.

 1. Do less than you think you must.   You can't attend every party or give gifts to every person who has ever supported your child or your family.  Do what you can for now. If you want to catch up with friends or give little gifts to more people than you have time for now, I'm sure they will love to hear from you in January or February when nothing much exciting is going on.

2.     Teach children the spirit of giving.   Kids love to give and help. Teach the spirit of the season in giving to those less fortunate.  This is a great way to teach kids that, while they have challenges, they are not insurmountable and they have the power to help someone else in need.

3.     Get outside.  Yes, it's cold, yes there is snow on the ground for many of us.  Fresh air is good for all of us. Bundle up and go for an evening walk to look at holiday lights, grab the sleds or skates. Throwing snowballs is fun, too!

4.     Bake something good to eat. Always a fun way to spend an afternoon indoors. Don't stress about how the cookies look or how much flour gets on the floor, enjoy each others' company and the end result of your baking together.

5.     Leave early.  No matter where you are for the holidays, you can never go wrong leaving a little bit earlier than planned. Your kids who look so well behaved now, may be tantruming aliens in an hour or so. Go while everyone is still in a good mood so those memories stay with them, rather than memories of meltdowns and being carried to the car.

6.     Give fewer gifts.  No one enjoys being overwhelmed by toys, wrapping paper and ribbon. Fewer gifts means kids appreciate the ones they get all the more.

7.     Appreciate signs of caring and love.  Helping with chores, brushing teeth when asked, a lovely drawing of the family, and holding it together while grandma is in the house are all reasons to show your child you appreciate him or her.  In our house, we do this with a "kiss on the head" (that is exactly what we call it: "You deserve a kiss on the head!" Quick kiss and moving on....)

8.     Make family time simple.  We all feel pressure to spend "family time" during the holidays. Keep it simple with a game or movie night. Watch the classic holiday TV shows, get some popcorn and you're good to go. Another fun thing to do is dance to happy holiday music (Alvin and the Chipmunks comes in handy for this!).

9.     Remember your big kids like traditions, too.  Even if they grumble at first, teenagers love everything I outlined in tips 1-8. Just sayin'.

Parents often say to me, "Your son is so lucky. He has a mom who really gets him."  While people don't say this out loud I think many are thinking to themselves, "She must be the calmest mom around. She doesn't lose it with her kid like I do with mine."

Actually, a few years ago I shared a "bad  mommy" moment with another mom and she actually said, "Oh, I am SO glad you're not perfect!"

Let me say right now, I am NOT a perfect parent and I'm not always nice to my child or to my clients.

I'm not  scream- my-head-off- in-rage mean, but I have my cranky moments.

What allows me to be a "good enough" parent is knowing when I need a break.  Alex is a great kid, but he is high energy, endlessly curious and an only child, so he demands a lot of me.  Not his fault all those traits, but sometimes I need  a break so when we are together again it is (mostly) a happy time.

I will admit I have high expectations of Alex and all the kids I work with.  But those expectations may not be what you would expect.  First let me tell you the areas of low expectation for my son and my clients:

• Neat room
• Doing things the first time asked
• Food in car or living room

But I have high expectations for the following:

• Kindness
• Manners
• Gentle hands with people and pets
• Learning to contain hyperactivity to managable levels when required (this is a learning process)
• Learning to contain impulsivity when required (also must be taught and learned)
• Waiting turns
• Trying your best
• Doing reasonable chores
• Doing reasonable homework

I'm tough on Alex and all my other kids when it comes to the list above. I don't let them make excuses and I address all of these in "real time" as situations unfold.  I don't yell, but I do have a"3 strikes and you lose it" system for Alex. And we are always working on finding ways to manage his activity level in quiet places.

When clients come to me who are unkind to family members or are not doing any homework at all, I call them on it. I say it is unacceptable and we need to find a solution.  Some things in life are non-negotiable.

Why am I sometimes tough?  Because life is hard. People in the big, cold, "real" world want to associate with people with moderately acceptable social skills and work ethic. It is hard to be friends with a kid (or an adult) who is constantly interrupting, yelling, and running off like a chipmunk (as a quick aside--Alex came up with is own Native American name this Thanksgiving: "Speedy Chipmunk!" PERFECT!).

And the same holds true for work ethic. I know homework is a drag and your child struggles with it. But homework is a part of life. Kids have to learn how to manage this expectation.  Some need it modified and that is fine, but doing NO homework sets your child up for failure later in life.  How many of you do work at home?

Regardless of how our brains are wired there are some social and work skills we need to learn to get by.

And the truth is, your kids can learn them. It takes time, patience, firmness and yes, high expectations.  Kids love to rise to the occasion. Just make sure you acknowledge it is a learning process and that you do not expect perfection. Day-by-day they will get there.

And, please let go of the not-so-important demands of neatness.  Would you rather have a neat kid or a kind kid?  I choose kind. The neatness will come.

Quirky kids are just average kids who march to a different drum, whistle their own tune and experience life through a unique lens.

I am thankful for kids (and adults) who are quirky because they:

• ...are honest (almost to a fault)
• ...notice things that I don't see
• ...help me remember that I have lots to learn
• ...make discoveries and think unique thoughts
• ...most draw better than I do :-)
• ...many do math better than I do :-)
• ...have lots of energy
• ...make me laugh with their humor and insight
• ...try so hard
• ...are willing to try new things, even when it is hard and uncomfortable
• ...never give up
• ...trust me with their quirkiness
• ...are curious
• ...want to learn about how their brains work and how they are different from the kid next door
• ...feel deeply
• ...express emotions in loud ways (not always a bad thing)
• ...are interesting and creative people

I know quirky kids can be challenging as well, but most often their positive attributes majorly outweigh their challenges.

Thanks to all the quirky kids I know (and those I would love to meet someday). You guys are great and never forget that!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Do you need to ask them to do something 5 times before they acknowledge the request?

Does it take your screaming your head off to get your kids to do ANYTHING?

There are 10 reasons (at least) why your kids aren't listening.

In no particular order:

1.  They don't hear you. Really.  Some kids have processing disorders that make it difficult for them to register that you are asking them to do something.

2. You talk too much.  Are you a parent who likes to work things out  or process issues verbally?  If your child has any LD or ADHD he isn't processing half of what you say. Use. Fewer. Words.

3. You are not giving them enough lead time that you need them to do something.  Kids often get very absorbed in what they are doing. If you walk into the room and ask them to set the table and you have the expectation they will do it immediately, your expectations are way too high. Better to say, "I need you to set the table in 5 minutes, " and then remind them 2 more times before you absolutely need the chore done.

4. There is no consequence for not getting the chore done.  Kids know when they MUST do a task and when they can get away with slacking off.  They will tolerate your nagging all day long if they know they can watch TV, have friends over, play video games regardless of whether or not they listen to you.

5.  There are no positive outcomes for getting things done.  Your child will be much more motivated to listen and follow directions if after they get something done, you acknowledge their efforts in a positive manner.  When my son puts silverware away, I give him high fives and thank him for being so helpful. I do *not* reprimand him for putting some spoons in the fork slot.  Cheer on their efforts and they will continue to try to be helpful.

6.  They know they can wait until you are screaming and freaking out before they need to move it.  Kids learn quickly that you will give them 3 (or 4, 5, 6) chances before you "really mean it."  Mean it from the get go and avoid the ongoing nag fest.

7.  You make too many requests. I know it may not seem like too much to ask your child to get dressed, make their bed, get the backpack, do a few chores, walk the dog, be polite, turn off the TV on time, eat their veggies..... But kids can only do so much correctly and on time (add ADHD or executive dysfunction in there and the ability to balance all these tasks is diminished further). Pick a few things you absolutely MUST have your child do every day and hold them to it. The rest is "nice to do" but not something you will demand of them day after day.

8. You are too critical.  I know your child can be frustrating. I know you're tired. But sometimes we can get in a cycle with our kids where everything we say to them is a correction or "constructive feedback."  No one will listen to an ongoing litany of what they can't do or what they have done wrong. Be aware of what you are saying and how you are saying it (tone of voice) to your kids. If your criticisms are more than your compliments, immediately start to turn that around.

9. You're yelling all the time.  Kids quickly tune out yelling. It just becomes background noise.  Plus, when you're yelling, you're not saying nice things and no one wants to hear that. Yelling accomplishes nothing. Ever. If you don't have any other parenting techniques, it might be time to consult a professional to develop a wider range of discipline and parenting skills.

10.  Your kids tried to please you at some point, but realized it wasn't enough.  Here is a secret: ALL kids want to please their parents. No child starts life saying, "Screw it. I'm just not going to listen to you." They want your approval. They want their efforts recognized.  Kids often fall short of our expectations, but we need to always celebrate that they TRIED.  If your kids tried and didn't do things exactly right, did you thank them for the effort or criticize their attempt?  If you are more critical than complimentary, kids eventually say to themselves, "Why bother? Mom/Dad won't like what I do anyway. Better to stay watching TV and listen to their complaints than try to do it and STILL listen to complaints."

How do you turn this around?

Talk with your kids (no yelling). Set clear expectations. Have consequences for not following through (TV goes off, no video games, etc.). Reward effort with compliments and thanks. Never criticize an attempt, no matter how small.  Give them time to transition and check for understanding of the request.

Even when you do all the techniques above, there will still be times when your kids don't listen.  That is when deep breathing and meditation come in handy for parents :-).

I wish I could answer "yes," but it is more complicated than that.

Research shows us that kids with weak executive functioning (organization, self monitoring, initiation and inhibition) can develop strategies to compensate for their weaknesses as they age.

They also can improve in their ability to manage their body and impusivity.

However, executive dysfunction is something that is chronic and can impact someone's life into adulthood.

Truthfully, I work with lots of really smart kids who never got the support necessary to learn to manage executive skills such as organizaiton and time management. They now have difficulty being successful in school and work.

The solution is to help your child as soon as possible to learn these coping and compensatory skills. I recently pulled together a Homework Survival Bootcamp for kids with executive dysfunction to help them learn to organize and manage their homework without mom and dad needing to nag all the time.

Learning these skills can be time consuming and laborious. I won't lie, it's not easy. But it CAN be done, and MUST be done if you want your child to be a successful, indpendent adult.

Let me know if you have any questions about your child and executive functioning.  I want to help.

It's great to know someone is listening to my babble and occassional rants over here.

I will do better at blogging. How about short posts a few times a week?

Where have I been?  Well, I've been putting together my Homework Survival System for many of you.  It's been fun and my sense is, it's been helpful to the kids and families particiapting (let me know if you think otherwise).

I've also been developing a new blog for other mental health professionals who want successful private practices.  Why am I sharing this with you? Because I know from hearing you talk about your experiences trying to get help for your children that mental health and health professionals need to do a better job reaching out, getting informed, using technology, and sharing their knowledge.

As health and wellness professionals, we know important stuff that can change lives, but many of these professionals don't want a website, are fearful of Facebook or Twitter. One colleague  recently told me that a mental health professional shouldn't have a blog!  Please!

I want to change these perceptions, so when you need information on your child's needs, your needs, or your parent's needs there are experts out there to help you.

If you agree with me you can help this cause by telling your health care providers to get with the program, get online, tell the world what they know that is helpful to YOUR health.

The truth is if more quality information gets out, it benefits clients as well as wellness professionals.

Win-win. You know I LOVE that!

'Kay, guys, keep me honest. If I slack off on the blog, call me on it!!

Oh, if you're curious about that blog for mental health professionals, here it is:  http://www.bizsavvytherapist.com. But keep in mind it is totally irrelevant to children's mental health.

Please watch this video with your children (those with and without neurodevelopmental differences).  Different doesn't always mean disabled and certainly does not equal UN-able.  Celebrate those specialized interests! You never know where they may lead.

The past few weeks I have talked to a number of parents, some of children with special needs, some with neurotypical kids, who feel guilty about hiring a sitter or sending their kids to camp a few hours a day.  This seems to come from a over-responsible sense that only they can provide optimal care for their children. However, parents then come to me tired, frustrated, burned out and want a solution to minimize the difficulties with their kids.  When too much togetherness (or you just want to get stuff done uninterrupted) is a problem.  HIRE A SITTER! Or send yuo kids to camp. Or send them with grammy and grampy for a few hours. Just get a break from each other.

As a parent you cannot be it "all" for your child, no matter what their challenges. The fact is, you will burn out and a frazzled parent is not a happy parent, and what kind of relationship will you have with your child if you end up so overwhelmed that you are just fed up with your kids all the time.

Trust me,this happens, I see it more often than I would like.  I have no idea why parents feel an over-responsibility to be the end-all to their children.

Here are some facts based in research--kids who have multiple supports, several adults they trust and can turn to, are emotionally healthier than kids who only have 1 or 2 people they can talk to. This makes sense. As adults we don't exclusively talk to 1 other person about our lives, or do activities with that person. Because we have a variety of interests and just need a break from one another once in awhile, we socialize with several different people.

Your kids are no different. 

And, after you take yoru break, get stuff done (or just relax) when the kids come home, you are all refreshed and happy to see one another. Kids love to tell you about their adventures and you will have the patience and time to give them some undivided attention.

Enjoy your time to yourself!