You know I am a child and family therapist. I love kids and my own son is the apple of my eye. :-)

Parents often say to me, "Your son is so lucky. He has a mom who really gets him."  While people don't say this out loud I think many are thinking to themselves, "She must be the calmest mom around. She doesn't lose it with her kid like I do with mine."

Actually, a few years ago I shared a "bad  mommy" moment with another mom and she actually said, "Oh, I am SO glad you're not perfect!"

Let me say right now, I am NOT a perfect parent and I'm not always nice to my child or to my clients.

I'm not  scream- my-head-off- in-rage mean, but I have my cranky moments.

What allows me to be a "good enough" parent is knowing when I need a break.  Alex is a great kid, but he is high energy, endlessly curious and an only child, so he demands a lot of me.  Not his fault all those traits, but sometimes I need  a break so when we are together again it is (mostly) a happy time.

I will admit I have high expectations of Alex and all the kids I work with.  But those expectations may not be what you would expect.  First let me tell you the areas of low expectation for my son and my clients:

• Neat room
• Doing things the first time asked
• Food in car or living room

But I have high expectations for the following:

• Kindness
• Manners
• Gentle hands with people and pets
• Learning to contain hyperactivity to managable levels when required (this is a learning process)
• Learning to contain impulsivity when required (also must be taught and learned)
• Waiting turns
• Trying your best
• Doing reasonable chores
• Doing reasonable homework

I'm tough on Alex and all my other kids when it comes to the list above. I don't let them make excuses and I address all of these in "real time" as situations unfold.  I don't yell, but I do have a"3 strikes and you lose it" system for Alex. And we are always working on finding ways to manage his activity level in quiet places.

When clients come to me who are unkind to family members or are not doing any homework at all, I call them on it. I say it is unacceptable and we need to find a solution.  Some things in life are non-negotiable.

Why am I sometimes tough?  Because life is hard. People in the big, cold, "real" world want to associate with people with moderately acceptable social skills and work ethic. It is hard to be friends with a kid (or an adult) who is constantly interrupting, yelling, and running off like a chipmunk (as a quick aside--Alex came up with is own Native American name this Thanksgiving: "Speedy Chipmunk!" PERFECT!).

And the same holds true for work ethic. I know homework is a drag and your child struggles with it. But homework is a part of life. Kids have to learn how to manage this expectation.  Some need it modified and that is fine, but doing NO homework sets your child up for failure later in life.  How many of you do work at home?

Regardless of how our brains are wired there are some social and work skills we need to learn to get by.

And the truth is, your kids can learn them. It takes time, patience, firmness and yes, high expectations.  Kids love to rise to the occasion. Just make sure you acknowledge it is a learning process and that you do not expect perfection. Day-by-day they will get there.

And, please let go of the not-so-important demands of neatness.  Would you rather have a neat kid or a kind kid?  I choose kind. The neatness will come.