Do you feel that your kids never listen to you?
Do you need to ask them to do something 5 times before they acknowledge the request?
Does it take your screaming your head off to get your kids to do ANYTHING?
There are 10 reasons (at least) why your kids aren't listening.
In no particular order:
1. They don't hear you. Really. Some kids have processing disorders that make it difficult for them to register that you are asking them to do something.
2. You talk too much. Are you a parent who likes to work things out or process issues verbally? If your child has any LD or ADHD he isn't processing half of what you say. Use. Fewer. Words.
3. You are not giving them enough lead time that you need them to do something. Kids often get very absorbed in what they are doing. If you walk into the room and ask them to set the table and you have the expectation they will do it immediately, your expectations are way too high. Better to say, "I need you to set the table in 5 minutes, " and then remind them 2 more times before you absolutely need the chore done.
4. There is no consequence for not getting the chore done. Kids know when they MUST do a task and when they can get away with slacking off. They will tolerate your nagging all day long if they know they can watch TV, have friends over, play video games regardless of whether or not they listen to you.
5. There are no positive outcomes for getting things done. Your child will be much more motivated to listen and follow directions if after they get something done, you acknowledge their efforts in a positive manner. When my son puts silverware away, I give him high fives and thank him for being so helpful. I do *not* reprimand him for putting some spoons in the fork slot. Cheer on their efforts and they will continue to try to be helpful.
6. They know they can wait until you are screaming and freaking out before they need to move it. Kids learn quickly that you will give them 3 (or 4, 5, 6) chances before you "really mean it." Mean it from the get go and avoid the ongoing nag fest.
7. You make too many requests. I know it may not seem like too much to ask your child to get dressed, make their bed, get the backpack, do a few chores, walk the dog, be polite, turn off the TV on time, eat their veggies..... But kids can only do so much correctly and on time (add ADHD or executive dysfunction in there and the ability to balance all these tasks is diminished further). Pick a few things you absolutely MUST have your child do every day and hold them to it. The rest is "nice to do" but not something you will demand of them day after day.
8. You are too critical. I know your child can be frustrating. I know you're tired. But sometimes we can get in a cycle with our kids where everything we say to them is a correction or "constructive feedback." No one will listen to an ongoing litany of what they can't do or what they have done wrong. Be aware of what you are saying and how you are saying it (tone of voice) to your kids. If your criticisms are more than your compliments, immediately start to turn that around.
9. You're yelling all the time. Kids quickly tune out yelling. It just becomes background noise. Plus, when you're yelling, you're not saying nice things and no one wants to hear that. Yelling accomplishes nothing. Ever. If you don't have any other parenting techniques, it might be time to consult a professional to develop a wider range of discipline and parenting skills.
10. Your kids tried to please you at some point, but realized it wasn't enough. Here is a secret: ALL kids want to please their parents. No child starts life saying, "Screw it. I'm just not going to listen to you." They want your approval. They want their efforts recognized. Kids often fall short of our expectations, but we need to always celebrate that they TRIED. If your kids tried and didn't do things exactly right, did you thank them for the effort or criticize their attempt? If you are more critical than complimentary, kids eventually say to themselves, "Why bother? Mom/Dad won't like what I do anyway. Better to stay watching TV and listen to their complaints than try to do it and STILL listen to complaints."
How do you turn this around?
Talk with your kids (no yelling). Set clear expectations. Have consequences for not following through (TV goes off, no video games, etc.). Reward effort with compliments and thanks. Never criticize an attempt, no matter how small. Give them time to transition and check for understanding of the request.
Even when you do all the techniques above, there will still be times when your kids don't listen. That is when deep breathing and meditation come in handy for parents :-).
January 2, 2010